I literally cannot name the title anything better than that, that is exactly how I feel.
Lockdown, past events, unrequited love, work pressure, and loneliness.
It’s a shit load to cope with, am I coping – I am breathing and here today but I am not living.
Let’s talk about lockdown, here in the UK – we are in the 2nd major lockdown/3nd lockdown including the half assed approach back in November 2020.
You can only leave the house for essential travel, and not far. You can’t see anyone etc.
It is hard for the majority of people, hands down but they have fucking friends that make an effort to keep in touch; calling and texting.
I don’t have that. I am lonely.
Yes, I have my housemates but that isn’t the same and workmates aren’t because you can’t talk about serious shit in life.
Every week, Monday to Friday I work my ass off and do as well as I possibly can then hits Friday…Yayy the weekend!
Then, Saturday comes…what do I do now??
It fucking sucks when you feel you can trust someone with a very deep personal secret, and for them to respond with a shit remark, worse even without a response. Do I mean that little? Do you care? Regardless, tell me. I won’t mind!
For the most part everyone has friends, people they can rely on that will check in on them, I don’t. I never fucking have.
All those years, people told me….”Oh yeah you’ll make friends!” and “I’m here for you”
Just don’t. Just don’t say you are there when your intentions are not to be so.
I am suicidal.
And you don’t give a flying fuck.
When I was ill before, like really ill between 2016 and 2017 – I was suicidal.
Yes, I have a job, car, phone etc which does complicate things but at the end of the day, I can’t see an end in site. I have items, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel pain. Trust I feel plenty of pain.
And in complete honesty, I could go kill myself and no one would notice, I know that.
A person close to me even admitted she sees text messages, and forgets to reply to them.
When you see the text message that Lewis has died, It upsets me that you won’t care.
I am suicidal, I want to end things. I can’t see an end in site.
Fuck you for telling me I am not alone, and there are people out there feeling the same.
Yeah thats good but a.) How does that help me? and b.) Telling someone that there are people worse off does FUCK ALL apart from making said person feel like their feelings aren’t important.
I honestly think that I am just unwanted. Like no one wants to be friends with me, it would make perfect sense.
I’m fucking done