You see, I’m an indecisive person and I’m prone to rush making decisions. I can admit that now – I wasn’t able to in my past.
But you see, all it comes down to is one thing. Past experiences.
My mum used to rush me all the time in shops when we had birthday/christmas money so I learnt that unhelpful mechanism. That has stuck with me since then but I recognise it now.
I’ve got to make a decision, to file a report and leave it at that, which is what everyone wants me to do, or to go the full way and have said person be spoken to, make a statement and action taken from then onwards.
What do I want?
– For her to realise what she did.
– For her to realise the long-lasting effects that it has had on me.
– For her to understand that I lost a fair part of my childhood, and that I had to go through teenage hood with this on my shoulders. Teenagehood is bad enough.
– For her to own up to what she did and make changes.
Here’s the thing, I want her to go to the police and admit what she did because right now she is getting on with her fucking life as if nothing happened. How the fuck is that fair?
I’m glad she is working, I’m glad she is somewhat well but that isn’t for me to worry about.
She fucked my life up, and Yeah I will get through this. People say “they haven’t’ ruined your life, they have changed it and some BS, but she did ruin my life. I have lived 10 years with this on my shoulders, without telling a sole. What she did was wrong and she knew better.
The age of 12/13 – you fucking know what sex is. I will not take the BS that she was not educated, she was.
And I brought this up summer 2017, she said it wasn’t “sex” well what the fuck was it? You made me put my penis inside you. Yeah not all the way because you didn’t want to get pregnant but regardless, it fucking hurt, it is penetration without consent and it’s illegal.
You said “don’t tell mum and dad” and said that this was “fun”. You fucking knew.
I’m scared, I’m scared that I will betray my parents, that I will make the wrong decision.
But, if I think about the pain that she has caused, I have no reason but to do what is right.
And also, I’ve come this far on my own I think I can go a little further. They can happily support Emma and cut me off, that’s OK. I would be sad but at the end of the day, this Is my life, I have to live in my brain.
But what is right and what will I achieve?
That’s a good question, if I give all details and let them proceed she will be spoken to and interviewed. What I will achieve is reclaiming power. I am taking control of the situation and I’m not going to allow her to over rule me. At the end of the day, why should she?
Throughout January 2021, I cycled from my home at the time to a bridge in Warrington Town Centre at 10 something PM. I cycled and stopped underneath the bridge. I had my bike rest against the wall. I pulled myself onto the wall and contemplated whether to jump in. It was getting too much, the worry of her being a teacher, abusing another child god forbid, memories/thoughts about the events in the past. It was just too much.
I got off the wall, and cycled up onto the bridge which crosses the river. I got off my bike and stared into the water again contemplating jumping in.
But, I am here today. No one should ever feel that way, never! But unfortunately people will do and there is no way of stopping it (that I can think of) but I won’t stand for feeling like that. I don’t deserve to feel that low. And that’s a reason why I’d like to press charges.
The pro’s of just making a statement/report is that it will be easier, she will never know and I’ll be silent.
In my session today, It was highlighted that in my past I had a lack of voice and I can see that by simply making a report and leaving it as is I am allowing myself to continue with that behaviour and I’m not changing anything. I may later regret this by following what I know.