Throughout my whole childhood and adulthood to now, I can’t say I’ve ever felt wanted. Yeah I may be asking too much but fuck that, we all need to feel like we are wanted, people need us.
There are honestly too many scenarios I could talk about but one I would like to talk about would be in Summer time 2011. I was 10 at the time.
At this time, Emma had a lot of attention from Mum (dad worked a lot) and I didn’t as much. I didn’t mind at all, I just went on as I would you know.
I can’t remember what makes me feel that way but I just remember she did, I suppose more item-wise in some ways but I feel she just had more love. And I know that a mother can’t love their kids equally all the time (or any , which is OK!)
However I feel anger, I feel upset. I don’t know if this was around the same time as what happened I’m not sure but it hurts. It hurts that she had attention, yet Emma abused me and I am now in this position. She had attention, she had nurture when I needed it more than I ever did previously.
Me, mum and dad went to Cambridge summertime of 2011, it must be. I hung with either mum and dad when they did their clothes shopping for the summer. I was just a body, I didn’t matter. I was hungry/thirsty and they didn’t care. I wanted to look for some clothes for me (as they would usually buy us clothes if we needed some) but they just didn’t even pay a thought, not a single thought. They were so embedded in themselves. The whole fucking day. I could say it is trivial but that fucking hurt. To feel like I wasn’t visible by one parent is hard, yet two. That is fucking rough.
Visible – that is a key word. For my childhood, I felt like I was invisible to my parents the majority of my childhood. They didn’t pay attention to me, they didn’t see me, they didn’t look if I was OK. If they did, they would know from a very fucking early age I was not OK and I needed help.
Age of 7/8 maybe younger, when it was dark outside and rained something shifted in me, I remember. And it was darkness. So so dark. I feel this today, and that is a lovely perk of depression my friend.
Last day of Primary School.
I cannot explain the pain I felt, that pain sticks with me and I need help to work through that pain.
That day, a day in July 2012 (maybe 23rd July I don’t know!) must of been a friday.
I was waiting for everyone in my year group to arrive, I was standing behind a gate.
William was with me, he mentioned something like “Lewis Walsh didn’t include you in his speech” We all writ speeches to say at our leavers assembly, he thanked everyone in our year etc. He missed me out.
We did a trial run of this about 10AM. I felt a huge wave of anxiety, I felt nervous. That feeling in your stomach, like you just can’t do this.
I stood far right. Lewis said his speech and I spoke in upset, frustration something like “Where am I/Am I not on there?”. Miss MacKay abruptly made a comment expressing that Lewis Walsh probably didn’t mean to, and that I was quick to mention this. I was shaking, I was scared. I was upset, and hurt.
We were in the same fucking year/same classes for 7 years. You don’t forget something, and I must note that he bullied me for a fuckton. Also to note, he mentioned to a friend of mine a year ago or so that he never liked me, never knew why.
So that happened, didn’t help.
Moved onwards through the day. Came to the leavers assembly. This was at around 3PM.
I stood again far right. I’m not sure what order who spoke in etc. I remember a few people spoke theirs and I just broke down. I started crying, it got too much for me.
Eiren gave me a tissue. That was hard, I remember feeling that throb in your throat. I was sad, I have so many memories, I want to write all these down but I can’t or I’ll be here forever 🙁
The Leavers Assembly finished. we were given some gifts, a leather dictionary (which I still have), a mini note and probably something else. I don’t know.
After the leavers assembly there is usually a celebration; we had a limousine come to the school and take us bowling and to Frankie and bennys.
I remember this so so well and it’s hard. Its so hard, knowing that this is it, this is the end! Attachment, feeling close to people – I can’t say I felt this much at home.
I remember the journey, well some bits. I remember driving out of the village, looking around. Domino by Jessie J was playing. It was warm in the limousine.
Everyone was having such a good time.
We got to the bowling, Had an amazing time. Really really did. Lewis Walsh made a comment or so, William’s mum stepped in.
Frankie and Bennys – this was the last time we would all be together. We sat in the table as you walk through the main doors, you walk to the right side of the back of the room near the toilets. I remember I was sitting against the wall, William was next to me. He had a Calzone pizza. I remember the girls, like Emily, Eiren etc were at the other end same side as me.
We all had so much fun, it was amazing.
But, our time was running out. While the majority of us were still there, my dad came. He came to pick me up. I didn’t want to leave. Everyone said goodbye and that was it!
I don’t remember the drive home but I do remember being in my room, reflecting on the day. I was wearing my signed shirt. I remember mum came in, she asked if I had a nice time and I did. I remember they just bought a new lawnmower.
I remember standing in my room feeling so upset, so empty, it was so so hard. I’m crying right now as I’m writing this post. I remember how hard it was.
Come the next morning, mum went to work, I remember it was a nice sunny Saturday. I remember being outside with Emma just outside the utility room and Emma was siting down, probably reading I don’t know.
I was upset, I was in pain, I was feeling lost. I just remember feeling upset, I missed everyone, I didn’t want to move forward, I wanted to go back in time. I missed William my best friend. I just wanted to go back in time and re-do these memories.
I remember that afternoon going on my bike, but just feeling so upset, and was crying a lot.
I remember starting year 7, I thought about the limousine ride a few times. I remember bringing this up with Harry and he made me feel I was a wuss.
He was able to move on and get onto Secondary School whereas I felt it a little hard to move on. I struggled saying goodbye.
I feel I haven’t ever moved on, and it hurts.
Grandparents, whenever we saw our grandparents we used to cry as we had such a good time with them always, and mum and dad used to moan at us for being upset.