Whether you like it or not, any type of Trauma happens to be best of us. Some different to others, regardless of that – causing immense amounts of pain.
I don’t think it’s possible to say certain traumas are worse than others.
I wouldn’t say “working” is accurate because I’m not working through it. I can’t work through it. I’m simply trying to ignore it and pushing aside – that doesn’t work.
In my past, I’ve had some pretty shit things happen not for this post however and I’ve gotten through them with the help of various therapists and myself.
However, I’ve been barking at several trees not knowing what was cause of fright was.
So, when I was at Primary school and also secondary school I got touched up and dry humped. I know that doesn’t sound that bad.
Lets rewind back to 2011, I was in year 5 being really close mates to this guy. I can’t remember the exact circumstance but he had me go under the table where not many could reach and would get on top of me and hump me. I couldn’t get out. I said get off, I was confused. The other guys were shouting him to get off. It’s almost like I can see myself frozen there and I’m there watching it all.
Moving to the major trauma. I knew this happened, I just didn’t understand (or want to when I was able to)
I don’t want to talk about this, I don’t even want to fucking admit this but I won’t get anywhere holding this in.
She was 2/3 years older than me. We had saw each others privates previously. (but that should never ever mean that I deserved what had happened)
I was learning sex ed at school at that time and she said that she would answer any questions that I had.
Little did I know what she meant by that. She crossed a line, she crossed a boundary and broke the law.
She knew better and I will not take any other statements.
I remember that she pulled her trousers down and I did too. We had a balloon between us.
She said that it would be very naughty to continue.
Next I knew I had my trousers and pants down. She did too. She guided me into her.
I was 10 for fuck sake. I didn’t know what this was.
This confuses me – did I know what this was, but I think how. Sex was never mentioned at school or even at home at that time.
She knew I was timid, quiet and would never tell on her, and she proceeded to violate me.
It was painful, very painful. And that sticks more than anything. I remember the smell of BO.
Visually, I cannot forget what she did. If I smell a smell in the room, I see a similar colour, feel a similar texture - it all brings it back.
It confuses me and it’s painful to think about but I need to find a way through.
It’s hard because I can never come clean to anyone about this.
Thankfully she is moving out in 2 weeks (well I’m driving her out) and I’m going to cut her off.
We spoke a few months back and I let her know how much she hurt me. We spoke a few years previous but that clearly didn’t sink in.
Being that we have been in lockdown, we’ve been together a lot more.
We went on a walk, and I came home and then it call clicked in what happened.
I’m cutting her off. I just can’t have her around me; I need to start to recover.
Trust If she wants to tell the parents I’m ignoring her, she can fucking go for it.
She’ll lose her career, to note.