For as long as I can remember, I have been a worrier; albeit worrying about something that happened in the past, present or what may happen in the future.
I’ve always been one for secrets and hiding things, usually from others fearing that what I’m hiding may hurt them or they will think negatively of me if they found out.
Adding a subtle hint, since the age of 10 I had carried a huge big ass fucking secret…maybe my brain needed to keep secrets, to protect me? The fear or not holding something in?
It comes right down to anxiety; that feeling of intense worry, and the inability to stop.
Physically feeling up-tight, tense, and intense guilt and dread.
Almost like you care so so much, but you are hurting so much but and you feel you won't be able to get through this.
For some, they have this feeling sometimes at different times of the day and/or different scenarios. For me, It’s work; making a big change, going to a company site.
I’ve realised it happens when I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t have the energy to prepare which is down to my depression.
Panic; that feeling when your heart beats so fast, your mind is racing, you don’t know what to do and then everything crumbles and it all goes wrong. You are trying so hard to get it right, to make sure it all goes okay.
I’ve been to many company offices to carry out work; some with success and others without.
The Wednesday just been was one of those days where I panicked. I don’t know why I did! I didn’t need to, at all! I had to carry out 3 simple tasks. Thinking now, I guess I got scared almost, I didn’t know what to do. I think I heard what I had to do and then panicked.
My boss was on the phone to me the whole time setting up a firewall and told me exactly what to do, I did that in the most part. The last bit was when we didn’t have a component so the firewall wouldn’t work in it’s intended use. He told me twice, and I’m not sure if either I didn’t listen or just not understand. I think it was a mixture of both.
It all went wrong when he left and had to do something else. and I guess I felt alone.
When I panic, I lose my mind. I lose everything. I crumble and there is no saving me, I have to walk away…usually when it’s too late. Lewis: Walk away when you are about to panic, get a glass of water!
I’m writing this now, Saturday 7th November days after it happened, feeling shit as hell.
My boss and I spoke about the events, yesterday before I finished work and he is honestly the most amazing boss in existence. Truthful was what he said and I felt a hint that he didn’t understand why it went so wrong.
I need reassurance, especially when something is new.
I found about the fine details of this the day before at 3:15PM. My shift ended at 4PM.
I was feeling anxious because I literally had no time to plan for this.
2 weeks beforehand, I attended site, upgraded RAM on a server and configured a switch, I’m proud of myself for that! Albeit 8 members of staff in the office contracted Coronavirus. But I had time to plan for this.
What I’m (failing at) trying to get at is that anxiety/panic is fucking horrible and I’m scared that I’ll be like this forever and I’ll be shit, I’ll never get better.
After numerous sessions of counselling and therapy, I wasn’t focussed at all. I was lazy
I’m going again with 100% focus and I’m determined more than ever to get better, to get this right.