When people ask what is your biggest fear, its so easy to say dying, or to be with spiders/snakes.
But my biggest fear is a bit different – it’s being alone forever.
I’m an odd person; I need my own space at home but as soon as I have something on my mind, I struggle.
This isn’t going to get dark, I promise!
With the horrific madness with the coronavirus (and no I won’t reference one of the many corona beer memes) , I’m finding it so hard to deal with the whole thing rationally.
I know what I am feeling is not nothing compared to the population, and those closely affected.
But no matter where I turn to, I cannot disengage from it, and all I can think of is how the world is falling apart.
That then brings me to what Anxiety is like for me;
First thing in the morning, I wake up and dread any social interaction with people with the fear I will say something wrong, I will do the wrong thing. The list goes on. But, that won’t stop me. As an IT Technician, a good part of my job is ringing customers and understanding their issue, over the phone.
I then go to work. I love work; it is the one place I can work my ass off, I can feel that challenge, that sense of achievement – but mainly, It’s what I love doing.
Having a father that loves politics and the facts, and having a mother that loves to take an emotional approach and ignorance to the truth – things can as you guess, get a bit heated. That brings me to my favourite thing.
Peace; Where life can float along without conflict. I hate conflict. I have no pigs ass of an idea where to approach this. But hey, let’s fuck that off the list.
I like peace, mainly peace with myself. Peace in the fact that I recognise what i’m feeling and with my thoughts. Peace in the feeling that I’m okay, like i’m actually okay.
Peace that my past is, you said it – in the past.
So, being alone – It is terrifying – yes, but learning to be at peace in my own company is my NO1 Priority.
Getting back to the point… Being alone… I am working on this fear, despite the title…
I recently went away for the weekend, on my own and people were amazed that I can stand my own company.
I have struggled with this element for all my entire life. I’ve walked down some very dark streets, believe me – to the point where I could never have turned back.
I see my entire childhood until the age of 17 as a self hating game, and I truly appreciate the importance of understanding who you are, and to love yourself for who you are.
I am a strong believer in that there is someone for everyone, but for F*** sake – we all need to be nicer!