To say the past few weeks have been rough is a pure understatement. I know I've had some rough days, weeks and months in the past but these past few weeks really have kicked the bucket on that note!
I knew moving back to my paents and working back in Corby would be hard but I thought, hey it can't be worse than being in Liverpool. How wrong I was!
I felt the first few weeks were a honeymoon period where eveyrthing was great, then the shit came real.
I think my brain was open, or strong enough to begin to work on what had happened. It always takes a fucking long time for me to realise when shit happens.
I know in that time period, I started to dig out some old photos, which then kicked me further and further in the past. Thanks PTSD!
I wanted to relive the good memories because although they are so painful they are actually good memories. Trying to remember and focus on good things is important as Vanessa has told me!
I was experiencing heavy PTSD symptoms mainly reliving the events and seeing it all happen, reliving life at the time. I think there may be a few more but fucking hell they were rough fucking days. PTSD is always there, it's at bay today but I know it will respawn. I don't fear that because I know what it is.
For the many weeks I was stuck in 2011/2012. That was fucking unbearable!
I wasn't sleeping, and because of that I was more tired from work which then made me more emotional which then resulted into falling into a trap of focussing on my past. It's confusing but for me, the fact that I can piece all that together is helpful.
Things started to change on Tuesday when I saw some close family friends and I spoke to them in minor detail about how I was feeling. I wanted to go in more detail but I could tell they didn't. I think they may know who abused me but who knows, they could be in denial.
Wednesday and Thursday were alright, I can't remember too much about them and that's cool.
No wait, I do remember Thursday. It was the day of Grandpa's surgery. I went to see Gran after work as I was on an early.
I mean, yeah I could see gran which was great but I can also see there is a change.
It's so hard seeing Gran like the way she is, you can tell she is getting forgetful. I know I'm in denial. She has Dementia, her mum had it.
I mean yeah it could be the stress that is causing this, but I think that's me being in denial. No one likes to see someone they love in pain, or in confusion.
She told me Grandpa was coming home the next day, and I was like yeah I don't quite think so as that would be too soon (I obviously said this with more love!), he fainted at uncle Mike's and that he doesn't communicate to Gran.
I know Grandpa can be bossy, but I feel that isn't in maliciousness but more in love, or getting things done.
Mum is talking to Mike and David and will hopefully broach Grandpa when he is getting better, and I'm going to do absolutely everything I can for Gran, because she means the world to me.
She gave us both so much love growing up and I won't let go of Gran. We all change in time and I'm so glad we spent the time with her when we were younger and i'm glad I've spent the time with her now.
I'm never going to stop helping her.
It's been a rough few weeks. Fucking hell.
Oh and it gets better!
I'm in Liverpool this weekend for some work, and I had the whole of today (minus an bour where I had to go to site).
I think it was about 4PM and I saw this drunk man fall on his knees onto the road, a man walked to him and I ran (as I was about 10m away) and we got him to a step, where we tried to get soem basic info from him like his name, number, next of kin etc. Another man came and so did some restaurant staff, but they all ended up leaving. One man said he was going to get a policeman but I think he just went because he couldn't be bothered as I saw him outside the pub on the corner after 30 mins.
I was on my own so I called the police and they said they would come but it took forever and the drunk man walked away and I had to let him go. He was getting verbal but I knew he couldn't hurt me. I did put myself in danger but I knew I could handle this.
Anyways, he went into a pub on the corner and that was it for him. I hope he didn't get served and he got help.
The ambulance called me a few times, once just before he left and then like 10 mins after he left and i had to say that I couldn't stop him.
Do I feel bad about not being able to fully help? Yes, but not too much as I did all that I could and he made his own choices.
Do I feel prouid of what I did? Yes! I did a good thing that I feel is instinctive.
If we all took a backseat with the "Oh someone else will do that" then we'll all be fucked.