It's how they make me feel, if I am being completely honest.
I don't cry daily, I go to work and I come home - to them, I'm happy and fixed.
Oh they couldn't be more wrong but that's a part of the problem; I have so much work to do and I'm not getting the support from them..
Yes, I know how hard it is for them and I'm sick and tired of thinking that it's OK for them to use this as an excuse.
I have good days, I have bad days. On my bad days where I feel the trauma is drowning me It would be really fucking nice to actually be able to talk about how I'm feeling. Say my mum has a bad day, we all have to drop our emotions and listen to how she feels over and over again; the same old shit.
I'm more than happy to listen to others as I realise we all need to get things off our chest but I'm not asking much in return.
I deserve to be able to experess my feelings, but oh no I can't! It's too upsetting for them! And I'm being selfish.
Let's go back a step, I was raped. I was FUCKING RAPED at the age of 10 years old. She made me touch her and vice versa aged 11. I didn't understand what was going on.
I know for for a fact if the genders were swapped, this would be a different fucking story.
I know I'll never be able to recover from this talking to them..
She has just been engaged to, she and her fiancee are staying over this weekend.
This will be the first time I have saw her in the house in 18 months. I'm not even fucking ready for this but I have no choice but to see them.
I'm penned in and I can't get out.
I never want to be in her life and I don't want her to be in mine, but there's a problem with that; we've been apart for so long and I need to forgive and forget apparantly.
Somone said to me back in March that we used to be so close and they think it would be such a shame to let our relationship go to waste.
But who the FUCK gives you the right to say how I handle this?
It's not like she's the favourite right? 9K in money, celebration on her engagement. Fuck off. I saw this coming.