Although a lot of hard shit happened I do have some good memories, quite a few and they make me feel sad, so so sad.
I don't quite understand why but I feel a lot of pain when I remember these memories.
I had a good time at primary school, well I was bullied but I did actually like the school itself, it was home. I went there every day (bar holidays etc) for 7 years. That's a fucking long time, and I know it's normal right.
Come leavers day, fuck me i remember that clearly. I remember before school started i stood on my own by the main gates, waiting for my best friend at the time and he came. I felt a lot of unsteadiness that morning, just upset and that feeling that I was going to cry. I forsee that the day was going to be hard.
It's just so fucking hard, my mind replays this day over and over and it makes me so sad, i want to be hack there now. I want to see everyone,. I want to be that kid again.
I want to go back to the times where I was innocent, I was someone who wasn't abused. I was Lewis. I was me! But all that got taken away from me.
A part of me doesn't think I've moved on from that kid back then. I still see myself as being 11.
I must say I am balling during this post.
Leavers assembly came around 2PM think. September of that school year we went to PGL in cathorpe court, I had the best time ever there. Tried so many new things and just had a great time. I remember this so well, even that morning before we left. We writ a speech of our leavers assembly and we read these out. I remember very early on, Eiren cried and then I balled. I couldn't hold it in any longer. She gave me a tissue, mum started crying.
We were all given gifts; a slip letter and a dictionary I still have.
Then come to that evening we had a limousine and went bowling and then had dinner at frankie and bennys in Kettering, i sat with William. He had a Calzone pizza,I remember that.
I remember being in the limousine and we had lemonade or some drink,and i remmeber coming out of the village and going towards kettering. I was so happy but so sad.
We had our dinner and soon enough it came time to go.I saw my dad. I didn't want to go, i was one of the earliest to go.
I came home, i went to my room and I got undressed. I felt so sad, so empty. I cried I think.
The next day I felt so so so sad, I felt so empty. I just felt so low. I was outside with E, she was reading or something I cried a lot, like a lot but she just didn't care.
I went out on my bike, crying. I felt so so upset.
I felt lost, I felt hurt. I felt something so huge had been torn out of me and i was so so upset I wouldn't ever see my friends again and that fear was true for a few people.
I know this isn't a structured, my head is a mess and I need to get down.
If anyone ever reads this, I know you are going to think I am being stupid, a wuss or whatever.
I do too! Trust me, I wish I could be normal and not think like this, or hold onto these memories, but what I went through has broken me, and I know i'm holding onto what is "safe" in my head (that's what my counsellor says).
I don't really understand all this, or why I'm getting stuck, but I'm doing everything I can do focus on what is happening now.