For my entire life I’ve always been too nice; I’ve put everyone before me, I’ve tried to make sure that everyone around me is happy, safe and can talk to me.
I have a voice but I never used it, I didn’t know how to. I was afraid, and I couldn’t think of anything to say that would be meaningful (in my then eyes).
That’s the thing though. We all have a voice and we all have a right to use it as long as it isn’t harming anyone else. For me, I was always silenced not by choice but because of my character.
If I look back at my 10 year old self I would describe myself to be anxious, lonely, sad, isolated confused and feeling like I didn’t belong on this planet. It’s so fucking hard to think what I would say to 10 year old Lewis but I think I’d express to him that whatever you feel is OK, and don’t be ashamed of who you are.
As I was bullied a lot, I feared confrontation. I still do now. The worries of what may happen next, what will happen to me, am I fucked?
With the context of my deepest secret being what it is combined with being silenced by my sister followed by fearing confrontation it made and makes life so very fucking hard when it comes to making decisions about my past, issues facing currently and planning for my future.
I own my trauma. It happened to me, and I get to choose how I will deal with it no one else.
You get to say your opinion but you don’t get to choose what happens next.
Tell me how that’s fair? Please elaborate because I’d love to know how you think 10 years of fucking pain is OK?
January 2021, I cycled from my house to a bridge in Warrington. Visible from passing traffic. I stood on that bridge looking into the water imagining how I would leap out of my sole into the water. But I was scared. I just couldn’t do it. I was so fucking upset, I was so fucking confused, I was anxious beyond belief and I did not want to continue living.
This post is about doing the right thing.
Ending my life felt like the right thing at the time but I realise now it wasn’t.
I have took several huge ass leaps; telling my best friend, telling my work, telling my parents and now telling the police.
I feel like I shouldn’t be talking about what happened, in the fear that people may see me as attention seeking, not believing me or just thinking downright negatively of me. But you know what, fuck you. This happened to me, and I will talk about this because I can.