I’m not one for small talk I’m afraid. I just don’t know what to say.
Since as long as I can remember, I have always struggled talking to new people, people I already know (thinking about it) and just people in general.
What I struggle the most is what to say, how to act in a conversation and what I am doing.
Eye contact is a hard one, like I will either stare you down or not even look at you at all; no in-between.
It’s hard because I’m me and I’ve never known any different.
This all came about when I was applying to become a Police Special Constable in November 2019; I passed the main verbal 1:1 interview and the fitness test. The it came to the group interview.
I failed on suspicion of being on the Autism spectrum; I was showing “weird” facial expressions, I had a monotone voice and I was interacting in ways that a person on the autism person would. He didn’t say that word for word, I was in a state of panic.
As soon as I heard that I spoke to my parents and then a GP I had an appointment pre-booked for a week or so later. we ran through a list of symptoms and I felt I struggled with a lot of them if I say so myself.
And then it came to sometime in May where I had a call from a really nice woman from the Adult ADHD and Asperges team where I booked (a nice trip away, I wish) a call to talk about things and I guess get tested/diagnosed.
I had the call yesterday (Thursday 11th June 2020) and it was hard.
I just felt crazy, unsocialised and just weak. I still do. I’m lost within this and I don’t know what to do, think and who to talk to.
When I try to “talk” I just want to have company yet its so hard. I don’t know what to say, how to act and what they think. I know telepathy isn’t typical (I fucking wish) but from what she was saying, you can normally feel a hint of what someone else is thinking/feeling.
I used to think I could sense how people were feeling but I’m now doubting that. My head is noisy. It feels like I’m rushing to try and understand this.
I know I have time, and I will figure this out.
At the end of the call, I asked if I could ask a question. I asked if she felt I could be on the spectrum, or could I just be going “crazy”, quote or making something out of nothing.
She said that I show symptoms that some of her clients show, who are on the spectrum. It was both reassuring and scary. I have gone all the way through my life to date not knowing anything else.
Growing up, making friends was fucking painful and I could never keep them. Meeting new people us just a bane and I certainly do some fucking inappropriate shit sometimes. Normal? I don’t have a clue. Feel free to let me know, I’d appreciate that.
Growing up, I used to come across blogs and I felt that I would never have anything important to talk about. I just had to learn about myself. I’m doing that slowly.
There is a stereotype for someone that is Autistic. And I won’t go into that.
I haven’t told many people about it. Again, how would you tell someone and will they treat me any different, and will they believe me? So many questions and few that I have answers for – do I even want to know?
Telling work about it was certainly an incredibly positive experience.
Family is another matter. We will leave that there.