It is without saying I have come along way since I started this journey. I’ve made many mistakes, said the wrong thing, lost and hurt people along the way.
There isn’t one way through this and god I wish there were as life would be so much simpler.
I’ve never been that good at talking about the things that really do affect me.
A lot has happened in my short life so far at 19 years and I won’t go into that, as that isn’t what this post is about.
Acceptance. A word I never really understood yet “accepted”. Whenever a traumatic event occurred in my life, I always just fought my emotions to get to some kind of normality.(which never came, I wonder why?) I guess I didn’t want to feel pain, and it doesn’t help I was always brought up to fight “emotions” (being male) and not feel.
I’ve learnt this is a coping mechanism.
I know now I need(ed) to feel my emotions. Sit with them yaknow. Like hanging out with them because they ain’t gonna go quickly. They’ll bite you on your ass before you know it! And fuck me, what a bite that was on Saturday evening. Fucking hell, I reckon even a snake would be jealous.
I’ve realised a really really hard traumatic period of events occured when I was between 10-12 years old.
Words cannot explain the pain I felt when I realised this on Saturday.
I trusted a loved one with my insecurities and they abused that.
I brought it up a year ago, not fully understanding it, and all I received was an apology. That will never be enough. My childhood was ruined.
After almost a week, I feel a little lighter. It’s a weight off my shoulder and I am proud of myself because of that. 4 years ago today, i would never have realised what happened even happened let alone wrong, let alone talk to someone about it that I can “Trust”.
I have a long way to go, and I accept that. But I am not a “project”, nor “damaged goods”. I am strong and I am going to get through this. It will take time but I can do this.
Acceptance. I’m beginning to accept that word.
Small steps to accept my past. Somethings I have, others not. But I have a lifetime for that.
I feel grief because of the childhood I dreamt of, and the memories I wish I made.
And forgiveness will take time. I can’t say I can forgive but I can try to accept.