It's a fucking mindfuck. There's so much going on right now, I feel I'm drowning. I'm so tired. I'm so upset. I feel I can't find my breath.
I don't know what's going on around me. Everything is changing and I'm just stuck in an empty space.
There's work and it's responsibilities, there's money and it's stresses, there's the decsions I need to make regarding Emma and there's decisions I need to make for myself.
In the ideal world I'd want a giant foot to kick * off this universe and never hear of it again. Realistic? Thought so.
Realistically speaking? Yeah I'm working on that.
It's hard because I don't know what I need nor want, I just can't focus on what is good for me. I don't know what is good for me because of two things: I don't feel I deserve good to happen to me and 2, The reality is that I've lost who I am, so if I don't know who I am how can I know what I want/need?
I'm just going to put this here, my head is a mess and I know I'm not making any sense. All that I know is that right now, I feel low, numb, lost and fucking confused.
I feel I'm just waiting for a ticking time bomb to blow up. The bomb being having the deal with the upcoming bullshit Emma will start on Thursday.
There's the "what if she says XYZ and I'm not strong enough to defend myself", there's the realisation that by seeing Emma, I'm going to be back on the floor, uncomfortable and scared again, there's the fact that I'm going to see someone that I don't recognise through the eyes of someone that I don't recognise anymore.
And I don't think I can keep myself safe, it's worrying me. I really just want to be held and to feel everything will be okay.
There's so many emotions attached to the now; it's not just what happened, it's the damage that was caused, it's the lack of accountability, it's the selfishness to me, it's the fact that she knew she was breaking me when I was at my lowest, it was the fact that she knew what she was doing all along, it's the fact that I lost my sister, it's the fact that I lost myself. I lost litle Lewis.
I can't put to words what little Lewis means to me, just that he was the sweetest, he was innocent but he was himself.
And I don't know if I'm ever going to find him again. And i'm so fucking scared. I want him back.
I miss you